A Memory Starts With A Dream

It's my last half hour of calm and quiet. The countdown starts. I have to pick the kids up in 30 minutes. I can write before then. Koa's sleek brown brindle body is stretched out on the warm stones of my courtyard and she is basking in the sun as we both enjoy the ocean breeze. My mini oasis. It took us years to craft our home into a little sanctuary that we love. Ok, switch gears. Time to dream.

What shall I dream of? The Europe trip that eludes me for so many years? At some point we shall have to say "to heck with the responsible thing to do" and use the money that would bail us out of some future mess. We could walk down the cobblestone streets and smell the fresh bread wafting out of the shop windows as we hold hands and quietly discover the city together. Maybe it's better that we've waited for it; now I won't run around like a crazed lunatic trying to absorb 10 countries in a week and thus wiping myself out mentally and physically to require naps that ultimately rob me of more precious time. The crazy American woman with the list in hand and the need to photograph herself in front of specific landmarks to prove she's well traveled and that she has accomplished one of her life goals. 

Instead, I shall replace her with a slightly wiser version of me that is content to go more slowly and cover less terrain for the sake of the experience instead of a multitude of destinations. It will allow me to share the experience with my best friend instead of focusing so much on me, me, me and where I MUST GO! French cafe music plays softly in the background, no really, it does right now, and I have learned that contentment in the current environment is half the battle. 

Add kids to the idyllic picture and it gets complicated. Fun and enchanting and stressful and oh so tiring, but memorable and fuller. The only thing missing would be our dog. No, we cannot bring Koa to France. Sigh. All four of us roaming about the Scottish countryside and breathing in the green hill sides does sound idyllic. I can picture the girls complaining about the food and Scott reveling in the beer and as long as I can find some good carbs I shall be quite happy. Yes, this is the dream for now. 

An Act of Bravery

For the past several weeks London has been begging to get her ears pierced. She is the same age that I was, 7 years old and it seems a logical request. We discussed the responsibility and she nodded in agreement about the particulars. I asked myself if I was ready for it, because truthfully it is a milestone in my own head that signifies that my daughter is growing up. Like many before me, I am elated and nervous by this fact. Her little swaddled sweetness on my husband's shoulder at 3am still sits in my mind clearly, but now she is reading stories out loud to me and successfully navigating 1st grade.

We went swimming first and I savored the fact that they wanted me in the water-so much so that they were yelling loud enough to make it impossible to ignore their pleas. We played games, did shoulder rides, I threw them like flying fish through the water. The giant smiles that lit their faces up and made the blue and green eyes twinkle filled me with joy to spend my day with them at the pool and just have fun together.

After the showers that seemed to last an eternity, we piled in the car with Gramma Karen and headed to the pinnacle of ear piercing; Claire's Boutique at the mall. I captured a photo of London by the entrance and etched it into my own memory at the same time. She selected her first pair of earrings and then we sat in the chair together because she was nervous. I held her on my lap and hoped it wouldn't be too bad. Zoe stood by and observed her big sister. The two women worked in unison and voila! My girl had pierced ears with pretty turquoise flowers. She cried a little and I hugged her, hoping she could feel the empathy mixed with pride that was flowing through me. She perked up soon after and excitement replaced her sadness. From the back seat on the way home, Zoe asked London if it hurt and London said "a little bit".  My girl was brave.

It's a cold, grey day and I don't want to get out of bed. My dark brown Lab mix puppy is smashed against me on the warm down comforter and I could stay here for hours and bask in her comfort. After my alarm goes off 8 times, I get out of bed and try to shake it off but it's a pesky little bugger that follows me around inside my head. I drop the girls off, it hits me hard at the stoplight. I'm staring at the red and suddenly feeling so down and gloomy, for no good reason.

I remind myself that it's temporary, this happens but it goes away. I think about all the things I am grateful for and force myself to keep moving. The problem with depression is that it's not logical and you can't reason with it. Most of the time I am fine but these rare moments creep up and pounce on me, then try to permeate my being and mess with my head. I fight back with prayer and experience, knowing that it's going to pass. The gloom recedes but it's asking me if I'm sure, Yes, I'm sure, now go away. You're not welcome here. It finally fades away and my head is clear. Relief fills me and I take a deep breath to start over.

I know the sun is going to come out. It always does.  It has taken years to reach this point. This battle is one that I fought since I was very young and only now can I share it because I know that I am not alone and it may help others. For those who have never experienced it, these words might sound like a foreign language or an over-dramatic description of a rough day. It is not that way. There is a scripture that I've read for many years and it helps during rough times.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phillipians 4:6-7

Anatomy Lessons Make Me Tired.

"Mommy, I don't want to have babies. How do I keep from having babies?" This is coming from my golden haired four year old in the back seat on our way to preschool. I'm quickly scanning my brain for options and decide that she is not truly seeking details. "Ok honey, that's fine." I tell her. "Mommy, how do I keep from having them?" "Uh, well, you wait to get married and ask God for them later if you decide to have them." Silence for a few seconds. "Ok" she responds. Phew! Thank goodness. I didn't think she really wanted the gory details replete with embarrassing and poorly named anatomical parts.

We arrived at the green mermaid building and hopped out of the car. Zoe clad in her pajamas with fruit on the pants, Hello Kitty tank top, and a turquoise bathrobe with little scotty terriers on it. She saunters in and asks to be held up so she can view all of the baked good inside the case. We make our selections and then wait. In between moments, I catch others reactions to her and their smiles make me happy. It is so sweet to have these morning getaways together before school. We get our drinks and she walks out like a pro with her short hot chocolate in hand. It takes me nearly ten minutes to back out of my spot because I have been wedged in like a sardine by the other drivers in line for the drive thru to get their liquid fix. We escape and head off to school.

After driving London to school, taking Koa to day camp, and delivering Zoe to preschool, I run one errand after which I am beat. With an hour and a half to myself, I could be productive, but the recent bout with the flu has other plans for me. A few minutes later, I am parked under a shady tree at a nearby park and my seat is fully reclined. I reach backwards, grab a pink fuzzy kids sweatshirt and cover my eyes with it. Alarm set. Good night! What if someone comes and questions me? Really, with two car seats and pink everywhere, how dangerous can I be? Ok, who cares. I'm too tired to worry. Zonk.

An hour later I am electronically summoned back to reality. Really? Is it time already? Ok, I can rally. When I stand by the classroom door and peek in, I see my sunshine at the front of the class next to the teacher and she is singing with the class and so proud to be the friend of the day. It is a moment that gets stored in my brain and will be replayed many times. It helps offset the utter meltdown that she had this morning when she wanted a yogurt tube but we had already left the house. That was the valley in the emotional roller coaster of our day. I just try to help her get past the frustration and find our way to the next peak.