All That Glitters Is Not Gold...

It had been a long, tiring day and I was at wit's end from ricocheting back and forth between the girls and tending to their needs. We needed dinner and the in-laws were coming over to help put up the Christmas tree. Don't get me wrong-I love my husband's parents and am so fortunate to have an excellent relationship with them. This last strand of sanity I was clinging to was due to just needing a break for a few minutes to be alone and drive in the car for something as simple as some take-out spaghetti and meatballs and listen to some really loud music.

Scott agreed to watch the girls while I went on the food run and I jumped in his car and drove off into the night while cranking up the volume on my "Howl" cd. Ahhh...that was more like it. Now here's the part that gets me. Colored lights in store windows and the cold night air reminded me that Christmas was around the corner. For so many years that feeling used to make me sad and a bit lonely. I wanted the big family and a warm home with lots of people who wanted me there but I grew up with a single dad who was working six days a week so he could pay the bills. At the time, I didn't realize that I was more fortunate than many kids, I just felt the sting of all that was missing.

Once I got married, it changed a bit, but the feeling still haunted me. Once we had our first child, it improved significantly and I began to enjoy Christmas through her eyes. It wasn't until this year that I finally had a breakthrough. Let me get back to my wild pasta outing to properly explain. As I drove back with the smell of hot italian food in my car, I felt like I was missing out on the family gathering at my house. It became clear that being with my husband, our children, and our relatives was the best place I could be at that moment and a break wasn't really a break after all. Now don't get me wrong-I'm not saying I don't need breaks. It's just that at that moment, I realized that I needed to be with my family. When I walked through the door and saw everyone and melted into the scenario, I felt at home and a sense of relief and comfort washed over me.

One of my favorite books had a line in it that said "All that is gold does not glitter and all that glitters is not gold". This was a line by Strider in the Lord of the Rings. That outing seemed precious when I planned it but lost it's luster in reality. It's the bittersweet double-edge sword of going anywhere without your kids that most mom's can readily ascertain. Coming home is so sweet.