A Memory Starts With A Dream

It's my last half hour of calm and quiet. The countdown starts. I have to pick the kids up in 30 minutes. I can write before then. Koa's sleek brown brindle body is stretched out on the warm stones of my courtyard and she is basking in the sun as we both enjoy the ocean breeze. My mini oasis. It took us years to craft our home into a little sanctuary that we love. Ok, switch gears. Time to dream.

What shall I dream of? The Europe trip that eludes me for so many years? At some point we shall have to say "to heck with the responsible thing to do" and use the money that would bail us out of some future mess. We could walk down the cobblestone streets and smell the fresh bread wafting out of the shop windows as we hold hands and quietly discover the city together. Maybe it's better that we've waited for it; now I won't run around like a crazed lunatic trying to absorb 10 countries in a week and thus wiping myself out mentally and physically to require naps that ultimately rob me of more precious time. The crazy American woman with the list in hand and the need to photograph herself in front of specific landmarks to prove she's well traveled and that she has accomplished one of her life goals. 

Instead, I shall replace her with a slightly wiser version of me that is content to go more slowly and cover less terrain for the sake of the experience instead of a multitude of destinations. It will allow me to share the experience with my best friend instead of focusing so much on me, me, me and where I MUST GO! French cafe music plays softly in the background, no really, it does right now, and I have learned that contentment in the current environment is half the battle. 

Add kids to the idyllic picture and it gets complicated. Fun and enchanting and stressful and oh so tiring, but memorable and fuller. The only thing missing would be our dog. No, we cannot bring Koa to France. Sigh. All four of us roaming about the Scottish countryside and breathing in the green hill sides does sound idyllic. I can picture the girls complaining about the food and Scott reveling in the beer and as long as I can find some good carbs I shall be quite happy. Yes, this is the dream for now. 

An Act of Bravery

For the past several weeks London has been begging to get her ears pierced. She is the same age that I was, 7 years old and it seems a logical request. We discussed the responsibility and she nodded in agreement about the particulars. I asked myself if I was ready for it, because truthfully it is a milestone in my own head that signifies that my daughter is growing up. Like many before me, I am elated and nervous by this fact. Her little swaddled sweetness on my husband's shoulder at 3am still sits in my mind clearly, but now she is reading stories out loud to me and successfully navigating 1st grade.

We went swimming first and I savored the fact that they wanted me in the water-so much so that they were yelling loud enough to make it impossible to ignore their pleas. We played games, did shoulder rides, I threw them like flying fish through the water. The giant smiles that lit their faces up and made the blue and green eyes twinkle filled me with joy to spend my day with them at the pool and just have fun together.

After the showers that seemed to last an eternity, we piled in the car with Gramma Karen and headed to the pinnacle of ear piercing; Claire's Boutique at the mall. I captured a photo of London by the entrance and etched it into my own memory at the same time. She selected her first pair of earrings and then we sat in the chair together because she was nervous. I held her on my lap and hoped it wouldn't be too bad. Zoe stood by and observed her big sister. The two women worked in unison and voila! My girl had pierced ears with pretty turquoise flowers. She cried a little and I hugged her, hoping she could feel the empathy mixed with pride that was flowing through me. She perked up soon after and excitement replaced her sadness. From the back seat on the way home, Zoe asked London if it hurt and London said "a little bit".  My girl was brave.

It's a cold, grey day and I don't want to get out of bed. My dark brown Lab mix puppy is smashed against me on the warm down comforter and I could stay here for hours and bask in her comfort. After my alarm goes off 8 times, I get out of bed and try to shake it off but it's a pesky little bugger that follows me around inside my head. I drop the girls off, it hits me hard at the stoplight. I'm staring at the red and suddenly feeling so down and gloomy, for no good reason.

I remind myself that it's temporary, this happens but it goes away. I think about all the things I am grateful for and force myself to keep moving. The problem with depression is that it's not logical and you can't reason with it. Most of the time I am fine but these rare moments creep up and pounce on me, then try to permeate my being and mess with my head. I fight back with prayer and experience, knowing that it's going to pass. The gloom recedes but it's asking me if I'm sure, Yes, I'm sure, now go away. You're not welcome here. It finally fades away and my head is clear. Relief fills me and I take a deep breath to start over.

I know the sun is going to come out. It always does.  It has taken years to reach this point. This battle is one that I fought since I was very young and only now can I share it because I know that I am not alone and it may help others. For those who have never experienced it, these words might sound like a foreign language or an over-dramatic description of a rough day. It is not that way. There is a scripture that I've read for many years and it helps during rough times.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phillipians 4:6-7

Anatomy Lessons Make Me Tired.

"Mommy, I don't want to have babies. How do I keep from having babies?" This is coming from my golden haired four year old in the back seat on our way to preschool. I'm quickly scanning my brain for options and decide that she is not truly seeking details. "Ok honey, that's fine." I tell her. "Mommy, how do I keep from having them?" "Uh, well, you wait to get married and ask God for them later if you decide to have them." Silence for a few seconds. "Ok" she responds. Phew! Thank goodness. I didn't think she really wanted the gory details replete with embarrassing and poorly named anatomical parts.

We arrived at the green mermaid building and hopped out of the car. Zoe clad in her pajamas with fruit on the pants, Hello Kitty tank top, and a turquoise bathrobe with little scotty terriers on it. She saunters in and asks to be held up so she can view all of the baked good inside the case. We make our selections and then wait. In between moments, I catch others reactions to her and their smiles make me happy. It is so sweet to have these morning getaways together before school. We get our drinks and she walks out like a pro with her short hot chocolate in hand. It takes me nearly ten minutes to back out of my spot because I have been wedged in like a sardine by the other drivers in line for the drive thru to get their liquid fix. We escape and head off to school.

After driving London to school, taking Koa to day camp, and delivering Zoe to preschool, I run one errand after which I am beat. With an hour and a half to myself, I could be productive, but the recent bout with the flu has other plans for me. A few minutes later, I am parked under a shady tree at a nearby park and my seat is fully reclined. I reach backwards, grab a pink fuzzy kids sweatshirt and cover my eyes with it. Alarm set. Good night! What if someone comes and questions me? Really, with two car seats and pink everywhere, how dangerous can I be? Ok, who cares. I'm too tired to worry. Zonk.

An hour later I am electronically summoned back to reality. Really? Is it time already? Ok, I can rally. When I stand by the classroom door and peek in, I see my sunshine at the front of the class next to the teacher and she is singing with the class and so proud to be the friend of the day. It is a moment that gets stored in my brain and will be replayed many times. It helps offset the utter meltdown that she had this morning when she wanted a yogurt tube but we had already left the house. That was the valley in the emotional roller coaster of our day. I just try to help her get past the frustration and find our way to the next peak.

A New Girl in Town...

It was hard to find the right dog to fit our needs and our family. We loved Roxy so much and no other dog could replace her or pick up where she left off. Accepting that we would have to pour into our new addition and teach her the ropes, we agreed to take "Aurora a.k.a. Rorie" and welcome her into our lives. She met my basic requirements: crate trained, over six months old, partially housebroken and of course, adorable. My husband got the puppy he wanted and I did not have to lose sleep at night with a whining bundle of fur that needed to go outside every hour. Win-win for all. The name was changed to a Hawaiian word, "Koa", it means brave and fearless. It was especially significant to me because I desperately wanted another dog but was so afraid that my anxiety would overwhelm me and the stress might trigger my panic attacks. I prayed to overcome it and this name stood out to me as the perfect one.

She has golden eyes that look at us in a sweet, inviting manner. Her long tail and big floppy ears beg to be smushed. Chocolate brown fur that is short and glossy with a strip of black down the middle of her back shines in the sun. At 45 pounds and 7 months old, she is still a puppy, but her size is that of a boxer and there is potential for another 10-15 pounds of weight and size to gain. This Labrador mix is a goofball who gets a wild hair and tears through our house in a tornado of speed, crashing into walls as she turns the corners and does not clear them. It reminds us all of Roxy's spunk and fun and helps us remember her with a warm feeling in our hearts as we love this new girl in town.

When Zoe rides her scooter in the courtyard, Koa follows behind with a playful gait. This bothers Zoe because the two have not fully bonded yet and Zoe may be a little intimidated by the medium sized animal following behind on four paws. In time they will come to an agreement. London has fallen in love and fawns over this dog just as I hoped she would.We sit together on the floor and mush on her together and talk to her in ridiculous voices that are usually reserved for babies.

The aqua color memory foam bathmat intrigues her after she steps on it in an inquisitive manner and then discovers that it moves. This results in a full frontal pounce with two paws and a nose to get underneath this flat beast that is taunting her. Several jumps and sniffs later, she moves on to other exploits. Luckily I got this on video and it provides our family with much amusement and a first hand glimpse of her personality at home. Every morning she comes to my side of the bed to greet me with ice cold ears and licks because she has just had her 5am morning walk that Scott is kind enough to take her on. It starts my day off with a smile and I am eternally grateful to my husband for letting get the extra hour of sleep. The void that Roxy left is slowly being stitched up by the thread of Koa's presence, but her memory and the love we had for her will always remain in our hearts, pictures, and memories.

I

A Good Friend Leaves...

It was the end of Spring, we were ready for beach days and rainbow colored Otter Pops in the hot afternoons on the back patio. No one prepared us for the sudden shock. Roxy went from being our happy couch potato to a very sick and lethargic dog within 24 hours. It turned out she had cancerous masses in her spleen and liver and was bleeding internally. I knew it was serious when she turned away as I went to pet her. Never in million years would she refuse love. This was heartbreaking for all of us. We brought her home for a few hours to lay together on the floor and share unspoken time together.

That evening, we bid her farewell and said our goodbyes with tears streaming down our faces and hearts tearing apart inside. I took her to the vet and stayed with her during the whole process of sending her off to Heaven. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do and makes me cry as I describe it. We are comforted by the knowledge that she is in the most perfect place with a new body and the joyous spirit that she had here on Earth. She is now eating anything she wants and running as fast as she can with every type of animal and Roxy is happy. We are left here to remember her and to reminisce on all the joy she brought to us. We love you and will always miss you dear Roxy.

xoxo

your family.

In Media Res...

An explosion of sound danced in my ears and my brain took a few moments to process the incredible sounds as my eyes gazed at the colored lights. The sound was so strong it vibrated throughout my being and it was like a wake-up call, reminding me of who I had been at 19 and other ages as well. I was thoroughly alive for the next two hours as I went through a myriad of emotion on a musical journey with one of my favorite bands I've ever heard or seen. It was like re-discovering a long forgotten part of my soul. Scott pointed out the tech working the lights and we were fascinated by the machinery that he manipulated as he sang every word and moved with the songs like a fourth band member working from afar. Halfway through the set the fire alarm rang out and people didn't seem concerned, the band played on and we looked around but everything seemed fine. If the techs weren't moving and the band was still going, I figured we were good. After the song, the singer commented that it happened to them all the time. Funny. Black Rebel Motorcycle Club has an awesome female drummer, did I mention how great she is? Need to see them again.

We began the evening by going to dinner and watching the sun gently settle among the clouds over the water in the harbor. The novelty of a different atmosphere made it charming and we shared jokes and conversation at our table. He reminded me of a fine whiskey that acquires subtle nuances and character as it slowly ages, clearly attractive with more to offer each day. My best friend.

Upon arrival at the House of Blues, we were escorted to prime seating next to the lighting tech within excellent view of the stage. My foot surgery was clearly a perk! Unusual paintings covered the ceiling, meant to evoke images from New Orleans and a standing room only venue lay the canvas for the night. The cocktail server and I put our heads together for a moment, resulting in a fabulous Southern Comfort, Sprite, and a lime that had a good wallop to it. Ah yes, now I could settle in and anticipate what lay ahead.

The opening band took the stage and by the second song I began to pay closer attention as I heard some influences of the Ramones, Stones, U2, and others. The singer had a classic rock and roll scream that he used at just the right moments to add flavor to the songs. I was moving in my seat.  Definitely impressive. The name was unusual, Bass Drum of Death. Go figure.